


It is what it is, really

by Lovegingernuts



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: Fluff, Hug Scene (Sherlock: The Lying Detective), Love, M/M, Post-Episode: s04e02 The Lying Detective, Smut, True Love, Virgin Sherlock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:03:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9630755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lovegingernuts/pseuds/Lovegingernuts
Summary: Both Sherlock and John have so much they want to say to each other and there's so much they're thinking about. So much repressed feelings. After the hug none of them can really let go of their thoughts about each other, and it leads to them opening up to each other, to a certain extent. A certain extent is enough, because in the end true love doesn't need words.





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you're just here for the smut, jump to the end!:)

"It's okay."

"It's not okay."

"No. But it is what it is." Sherlock tilts his head a little and buries his nose in John's hair. He closes his eyes and tightens his grip around him, makes him come closer. John doesn't fight it, he lets Sherlock pull him close and comfort. It feels so good to have Sherlock's arms wrapped around him and he can hear the sound of Sherlock's heart as his ear is placed right at it. It's beating fast and he hears Sherlock's deep breath and feels the warmth of it against his head. It's too much and John starts to cry more again. It's so amazing to have someone embracing him and being there in this emotional moment he has been waiting to have his whole life. Especially when it's the man he loves the most. 

"Hush" Sherlock says with a soft voice and lets his lips run down to John's forehead, where he barely lets them brush against his skin. But it's enough for John to feel it, and his lips reamins.

For quite a while they just stand like that, until John stops sobbing and suddenly becomes very quiet in Sherlock's arms. He's all heavy and tired from all the crying he has kept in for so long.

"I'm sorry to mess up your shirt" John mumbles into Sherlock's chest, and Sherlock chuckles silently. "It's okay. Since when have tears ruined anything?" 

"There's snot, too."

"Still okay, John. Don't worry."

A sigh slips out John's lips and he makes his way out of Sherlock's embrace. Sherlock doesn't really want to let go. He has to order himself to do it, and yet right hand remains behind John's neck as they look at each other. There is something in John's gaze, but Sherlock doesn't really know what. Discomfort? Is he too touchy? Did he read the situation wrong? A second later his hand slides down his neck and he looks away for a moment, trying to gather courage and forget about the embarrasment he feels. What he doesn't know is that John wouldn't want anything else than to feel Sherlock's skin against his. The "something" in his eyes was surprise. He never thought Sherlock would do something like that, yet he did. Now his eyes are filled with disappointment as the witnesses Sherlock looking away. In the moment their eyes meet again they try not to show each other that they both know well that they ruined the moment. They ruined the chance to make something happen after all those years. Now it's gone, they think. 

"Thank you" John says and smiles tenderly. His eyes are big and glittery, both from the tears and his genuine admiration for Sherlock. Now Sherlock amazes him even more than before. Sherlock is not a sociopath, he's never been but now he can be one hundred percent sure and nothing can ever make him believe otherwise. He will never doubt. 

"It is what it is" Sherlock utters again with a slight smile and looks up at John who smiles back. He believes that John doesn't understand what he means, not in this context. But the truth is that John actually does. He guesses and he guesses right, but hasn't the courage to say something about it. Sherlock doesn't have the courage to explain further either. So there they stand like two idiots repressing all their unspoken feelings like they always have done. 

"You should probably try to rest" Sherlock says. "I imagine you're tired, you look tired."

"I am, it's..." John stops, doesn't really know how to put it in words. 

"It's been too much of a rollercoaster?" 

"Yeah, exactly" John says and clears his throat, which makes the moment unnecessarily awkward. Sherlock makes it worse. "You can borrow my bed. Mrs. Hudson and I use your old room to store things we don't really need but want to keep. I've got lots of those things. It looks like hell, basically."

"It's okay, I take the sofa. The sofa is good. I like the sofa." 

"Alright." 

"Oh no, just remembered Molly will be here with Rosie soon. I don't have time."

"Relax. You go and take your nap, I call Molly and say she can come later. I promise you I can do a few hours without supervision." Sherlock chuckles when John gives him a look that says he doesn't believe that at all, but it's a joke. He trusts Sherlock, it's just fun to tease him. 

"Thanks" John says and heads to the sofa with heavy steps. suddenly he stops and turns around to see Sherlock already with his phone to call Molly. "Got an idea."

"What?" Sherlock asks a little too quickly and looks up at John with a little too much hope in his eyes. His cheeks heat as his brain catches up and understands what he actually thought John was suggesting. He hopes John didn't pick up on it, doesn't seem like it. 

"It's your birthday. We gotta have cake. Say to Molly to meet us at the bakery. The usual."

"It's not necessary."

"Yes, it is" John contradicts as he crashes down on the sofa. "It really is" he mumbles and closes his eyes. 

Sherlock spends some time in the kitchen doing experiments while John takes his nap. But soon he's bored, he's not very into this experimenting thing at the moment. He has other things on his mind. So eventually, after making him the fourth cup of tea of the day, he walks out to the living room where he finds John snoring quietly on the sofa. When he sees him he can't help it and smiles and he feels a stinging, heavy sensation in his chest. He loves John so much, but he's too wimpy to tell him. He's afraid to be rejected. 

Sherlock puts down the cup on the table and then disappears into his room, and soon he's back with a blanket. Gently he lays it over John who mumbles something inuadible before starting to snore again. Sherlock prevents the impulse to reach out his hand and caress his cheek. He doesn't want to wake him and if he did, how would he explain his action?

Sherlock feels like a creep where he sits in his armchair constantly watching John as he sleeps. He just can't take his eyes off him. The thoughts in his head never seem to leave him alone, and they make his head hurt. Suddenly he starts to cry silently. There's too much happening at the moment, too much emotions and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what John thinks and he doesn't know what's right.

About two hours later John wakes up. The first think he does is to look for Sherlock, he's not there. He doesn't remember putting a blanket over himself, and when he realises it must have been Sherlock he smiles to himself. He turns his head when he hears someone walking towards the living room. Obviously it's Sherlock, who has changed to a not dirty white shirt and put on a jacket over. He's buttoning it as he walks in. "Oh, you're up."

"Yeah" John says and examines Sherlock with his eyes. His posh style doesn't really play well with his messy hair and unshaved beard, but he's still good looking. John knows he always finds Sherlock attractive, no matter how he looks like. 

"How long have I slept?" he asks as he brushes his hand through his hair and then gets up to put on his jacket he had hung over a chair. 

"Almost two hours, but I called her. So, Molly's gonna meet us at this cake place."

"It's your birthday, cake is obligatory." 

***

John, Sherlock and Molly stop outside the door of 221b. Rosie is asleep in her father's arms, she looks so peaceful. 

"Thank you for a nice birthday" Sherlock says with a smile, and he smiles a little extra to Molly. He's holding his birthday gifts from her in his hand. A notebook with bees on, and a bookmark with the text "Be True to Yourself."

"Thank you! It was nice of you to invite me."

"That's obvious, Molly." Molly smiles at Sherlock and he feels his heart make a little jump as he witnesses her happy face. It feels great to see her shining like a sun. He loves Molly.

"Are you sure I shouldn't take Rosie?" Molly asks John. "I drop her off here tomorrow." 

"No, it's fine."

"You don't have her bed, you know. She needs her cot."

"Right!" John remembers and suddenly his heart is filled with a heaviness. He hasn't seen Rosie for so long and now he has to wait another day to be with her because she still needs her cot. He kisses her forehead softly and she moves a little in his arms. "My baby." he whispers and gives her a second kiss as he rocks her from side to side. Sherlock can't take his eyes off them. They're so cute and even he loves Rosie, as his own daughter. 

John passes her over to Molly. She doesn't wake up, for once she's really tired. John sighs but then smiles and tries to ignore the separation anxiety. He'll see her tomorrow. 

"It's alright" Sherlock says who can see his anguish and pats his back. "It's only one night."

"Yeah" John says and gives him a thankful look. Then he suddenly starts to think about another matter. "Is it really okay if I sleep over tonight?"

"Of course, why wouldn't it?"

"Thi is not my home anymore."

"Well, no. But right now you're going through hell and don't want to be alone, right? Besides, you're more than welcome and I hope that this will be your home again soon."

"I hope so too." 

For a moment they just look at each other and it's like they forget Molly is there. She looks at them and tries to conceal a smile. She can see something, and it's that something that has helped her to move on and forget about Sherlock. Or at least respect that a relationship with Sherlock could never happen. 

"Bye, see you tomorrow" she says. "Have to put this little bean to bed."

"Quite so" John says. "Bye" Sherlock says with a smile. "Thank you for the gifts!" 

***

"You're hungry?" Sherlock asks and opens the fridge. A quick laughter slips through John's lips. "After all that cake? Hell no." Sherlock laughs and closes the fridge again. "Well, me neither. 

Sherlock sits down on the chair opposite John with a sigh and then kind of collapses. No posture at all. He's tired, and he has a hard time to fight the craving of drugs and other desires. John watches him, thinks he's cute in a way. He has changed a lot, but he can still see the features of a ten year old boy without toys. Sherlock looks up at the ceiling and rocks his head slowly from side to side. Then he looks at John, and when he sees that he is watching him he immediately sits up properly. "I'm sorry."

"No, no. It's fine. Are you borded?"

"A little. More tired. Sometimes it's SO hard not using!" John laughs and now he's given up on hiding and ignoring hes admiration and love. His eyes glitter when he watches him, and he feels a strange feeling his his chest. It is what it is. 

"John."

"Yes?"

"If there's anything you want to talk about, I want you to know that I'm here."

"Thank you, Sherlock. I know."

"Just wanted to make it clear."

"It's very clear."

"Anything at all, I know what you must go through and I'm sorry that I didn't come to you earlier. I didn't know if you wanted to, and..."

"It's fine. It's not your fault. Nothing is your fault in this. Nothing... If it's someone's it's mine. I shouldn't have left without talking to you and I shouldn't have blamed you. It's not your fault that Mary died, I say it agian. And... I'm sorry that I hit you."

Sherlock smiles. "That's the least thing I think about! I'm just... worried about you, you know. I may be misreading, I'm not in a good state right now, but is there something more to this than Mary's death and your so called cheating?"

John smiles, barely noticable. He sighs. "Well, there's a lot. Just an awful lot." 

"I heard. Who is it you want to be, John?" Sherlock looks down at his hands and then up at John again with a wondering gaze. John's heart starts to beat faster when he looks into his blue eyes, which one is kind of red at them moment since he hit him. 

"Just... not the man I happened to become. The man I thought I was supposed to be. That's the thing. Have to move on."

"It there's anything I can do for you, just tell me."

"I will. Thank you."

Sherlock gives him a smile before rising from the chair. "I'm going to take a shower and get rid of this ichy thing" he says and pokes his bard and makes John laugh. "Well, I think it kind of suits you" John says. "You look better in it than I do."

"Ha! No, seriously. I totally prefer both myself and my Doctors clean-shaven." He gives John a mischievous smile and leaved the kitchen. A feverish hear spreads across John's face and he has to take deep breaths to get anough oxygen. What did Sherlock just do to him?!

***

Sherlock is sitting in his armchair reading when John comes into the living room wiht wet strands of hair hanging down his forehead. He's wearing one of SHerlock's robes and underneath he has one of his old t-shirts he's barely using. It's way too large for John, reaching almost to his knees. Sherlock can't help but to watch as he walks in and marvel at his adorableness. He tries to keep a straight face though. 

"You used all hot water..." John says with a jonkingly tone of bitterness and makes Sherlock smile. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's okay. Could have been worse. I managed to get out before it got really bad."

"Lucky you. Must have forgotten the water bill, again..."

"I'm going to go to bed now. Tired as hell" John says and walks towards the sofa. "Take my bed, I take the sofa. It's important that you sleep well."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

"One hundred percent?"

"One hundred percent."

John stops for a moment and thinks. This time he accepts Sherlock's kind offer. "Thank you, Sherl."

"Don't call me Sherl" Sherlock mutters, but he's joking. He gives John a grin, letting him know it's okay. It's okay when he does it. He can call him whatever he wants.

"Goodnight" John says and leaves for Sherlock's bedroom. "Goodnight, John."

But the night isn't very good for John. Around 3 AM Sherlock wakes up by a terrible scream from his bedroom. His heart speeds and he panics. "John! John!!" he shouts and rushes to his room. There he finds John crawling around in the bed, still screaming. It's not as bad as SHerlock had thought, but it's enough to totally break his heart. It's terrible to see John like this. Sherlock throws himself on the bed and grabs John underneath his back and makes him sit up. John stops screaming and starts to cry instead. It's an even more heart-breaking noise. Sherlock pulls him close and holds him tight.

"Hush, hush, John. John, I'm here. I'm here..." The last words he whispers, and soon John's crying is slightly toned down as he returns back to reality. He sobs quietly in Sherlock's arms as Sherlock caresses his back. "I'm here, John" he says again. John can hear Sherlock's racing heart, even Sherlock himself can hear it. It's like a really loud drum.

"Sherlock..." John cries and pushes himself closer. "Yes?"

"Sherlock..."

"I'm here. Easy. Take a deep breath. It's okay."

"No, it's not."

Sherlock smiles for a short moment but then bursts into tears too. He can't see John like this, he can't handle that John isn't well. Neither he can't handle all the things he would like to say and do but feel like he can't for John's sake. 

"Tell me, what did you dream?" Sherlock asks with thick voice as the tears stream down. He wants to help John as much as he can, and he wants to understand what more burdens lay upon John's heart. All he wants is to be there for John and make take care of him. That's all he needs in his life to be happy, to ensure John's happiness. 

"You want to tell me?"

"I shot Mary" John sibs into Sherlock's shoulder. "I killed her."

"No, you didn't. Not for real."

"No... But in the dream."

"Does that mean anything?"

"I'm not afraid anymore."

"Afraid of what?"

John works his way out of Sherlock's grip and when he sees the tears in Sherlock's eyes he gets overwhelmed. "Of letting go."

Before Sherlock can blink, John presses his lips against his. The kiss is hard and passionate, and John's hand at the back of Sherlock's head has a hard grip around his curls. After a few seconds of astonishment Sherlock closes his eyes and answers the kiss. By being gentle and massage John's lips carefully with his own he tells John to take it easy. It works, John softens a bit and starts to do it gently. He lets go off Sherlock's hair and places his hand on his neck instead. Sherlock moves a little closer and palces one hand on either side of John's face. A quiet gasp leaves John's lips as he does. He feels Sherlock's warmth interwine with his.

Eventually John lays Sherlock down on the bed. Sherlock knows what is about to happen and he lets it happen. A weird tickling feeling appears in his stomach and suddenly he's dizzy. It's like losing oxygen. John places himself on top of Sherlock, he kisses his neck and down to his well-marked collarbones. Sherlock lets out a sigh of pleasure. 

"This is okay, right?"

"It is what it is, and what it is is amazing..." Sherlock murmurs as John starts to caress his chest underneath his pyjama-shirt. John smiles and feels how rigid his face has become from the tears. 

Suddenly Sherlock gets so aroused he barely can't wait any more. He sits up and pulls off his t-shirt and tosses it on the floor, the lying down again. His lips are parted, his eyes shut and his head thrown back as John examines every corner of his bare skin. He can't lay still. it feels better than he ever had imagined, and it's like electricity within him making him tremble under John's soft lips. He's nervous, of course. It's his first time. But at the moment it feels more right and safe than he expected. 

When John gets down to the waistband of his pyjama-pants Sherlock stops breathing. John notices and looks up at him. His eyes are red and still full of tears from the crying, but there is also desire. Sherlock can see that John wants him just as bad. 

"Still okay?"

"Still okay, yeah" Sherlock says and tries to hide his excitement, but John picks up on it and grins. Sherlock grins back but totally forgets about it when he feels John's hand on his erection which is about as hard it could be. He lets out a groan and closes his eyes. Sherlock feels the soft fabric of his pyjama-pants slide down. He doesn't wear underwear at night, so now he is fully exposed in front of John. Sherlock keep his eyes shut, of course by pleasure but also embarrassment. he's never been naked in front of anyone before. He can hear John's deep breaths as he caresses his hips. 

"Sherlock, you're beautiful" John whispers, and then Sherlock opens his eyes. They look at each other, and suddenly Sherlock's eyes get filled with tears. He's both happy and releaved and nervous at the same time. He can't ignore all those emotions attacking him at once. Immediately John is down beside him, he places a hand on Sherlock's cheek and tilts his head so they're facing each other. Sherlock bites his lip and tries to keep back the tears. He can't cry. Not now. 

"What's wrong?"

"I'm a bit unexperienced" Sherlock says quietly followed by a nervous laugh. "It's okay, though. I'm just... overwhelmed." John smiles and kisses him gently, and it's like his words go through the touch of his lips. Sherlock knows that he will be careful with him and that this is something they do together, and that Sherlock can stop it whenever he wants if it's necessary. 

Sherlock feels John's erection against his thigh, and immediately he realises he isn't the only one who should get pleasure. He sits up and when John tries to do the same he gently pushes him down again. Sherlock lays a hand on John's cheek and looks at him lovingly. The picture is blurry because of the tears which he tries to forget, but yet he can see how beautiful John is. He lets his hand run down, and he touches the place where John got shot, in the shoulder not very far from his heart. At the same time he touches his own scar on his chest out of reflex, and John gives him an apologising look. Sherlock gives him a look back, telling him it's not his fault. 

He continues down and when he comes to the pants he pulls them off without hesitation and reveals John's big cock. He places himself comfortable, grabs John's penis and lets his lips touch the top. "Sherlock..." John exhales, clenches his teeth and shuts his eyes. Going from very gently licking the top Sherlock shoves the whole shaft into his mouth and gives him a real blowjob. John gasps and grabs the bedsheet desperately. His body starts to jerk by Sherlock's treatment. It feels so good.

Sherlock has never given a blowjob before and this is amazing for being the first time. He makes John into a crying mess. John gasps desperatelt for air and places his hand on Sherlock's head with a jerky movement. He buries his fingers in his lovely curls. He moves his hips up so he comes further down his throat. Sherlock is amazing and can take it more than well. 

John totally bursts and lets out a loud groan as he comes in Sherlock's mouth. Sherlock doesnät really know what to do, he doesn't want to swallow but he doesn't want to seem impolite. John understands what's going on in his mind. "It's okay, let go." So Sherlock does and an insanely large amout of cum is dripping down the shaft. He's got a little in the corner of his mouth and whipes it away with a finger. He caresses John's cock, using the cum as some sort of lube. 

"God, Sherlock" Johns says, ans he sounds quite impressed. "That was amazing."

"You really think so?"

"Extraordinary. It was quiet extraordinary." Sherlock remembers the words from the first day they met ans lights up in a great smile, and John smiles back just the same.

Sherlock lays down on top of John and they kiss. He can feel John's heartbeat underneath him, howe it slowly starts to beat normal again after the orgasm. Suddenly John grabs Sherlock's firm buttocks and turns around so that he is on top instead. They continue to kiss, softly adn deep. It's all just simply wonderful. Sherlock never thought this would happen, and John the same. Yet here they are. From now on, truly just the two of them against the rest of the world. Nothing will ever tear them apart. 

"You got any lube?" John mumbles against Sherlock's lips. "Chest of drawers, first drawer." John gives him one last kiss and then gets up to get the lube. He takes the bottle back to the bed, where he puts some one in fron of Sherlock so that he can see as he grows harder again. Sherlock watches with both a little chariness and excitement. He bites his lip. He has never been this aroused and ready. In a moment John is back with Sherlock who's just lying there trying not to climax just by the sight of John. 

"You're very beautiful, you know that?" he says with a quiet, husky voice. John smiles, truly happy at his words. Mary never said something like that. It happened, but it never sounded genuine. She said it because she thought she was supposed to say it. John knows well how that's like. 

John takes a pillow and puts it underneath Sherlock's hollow so they get the right angle. "It's alright?" Sherlock nods and shuts his eyes. he doesn't know what happens until he feels how John touches his hole with a soaked finger. He lets out a gasp and clenches his teeth. He breathes jerkily as John slowly pushes it in. It's tight, but not as tight as John has expected. Easily he can fit two fingers inside. He smiles when he thinks about Sherlock pleasuring himself, and surely he did when they lived together as well. The thought makes him even harder.

"Ready?" John asks, and Sherlock opens his eyes and gives him a tender look. "Yes." They keep eye contact the whole time John places his throbbing cock right and then slowly thrusts in. Sherlock's jaw drops and his body tensions to the max. He desperately clings to John with shaking hands, shuts his eyes hard. It hurts. John's cock is massive, and it's a wonder Sherlock managed to suck it as well as he did. 

He bites his lip and breathes heavily and fast as John pushes further and further in. Soon he's completely inside, and Sherlock cries out of pleasure as he hits the sensitive spot. "Ah! God..." John pulls out, and the thrusts in again, this time a little faster. He hits the right spot again and Sherlock wimps underneath him. 

"For god's sake, fuck me John!!" Sherlock exclaims and with a quick out of breath laughter John speeds up the pace. It hurts like hell, but it's a pleasurable pain. Just as love is supposed to be, in two different ways. Now Sherlock has experienced both in all its pain and pleasure. 

John starts to pant louder and louder as he goes on, so does Sherlock. Their mutual sounds of pleasure fill the room as lovely tunes. Now he's moving quiet fast, he tries to keep it tenderly though. He doesn't want to rush anything. He wants to feel every quiver of SHerlock's body as he thrusts in. 

At this point Sherlock is almost crying. It feels so good and he's so happy. He feels ridiculous. There he is crying, while he man he loves is making love to him. John pants faster, faster. He leans his head down, rests it on Sherlock's chest. Sherlock wraps his arms around him, holds on tight. It's like he's afraid to lose him. What if it's just a dream and he'll wake up soon?

They both have their eyes shut, they're both close to climax and try to drag it out. "John..." Sherlock says with a desperate voice, as if it would help him to hold back the river. "John." He tightens his grip around him, buries his nails in his back. "Holy... fuck!" John exclaims and takes a deep breath and tries to contain himself. He wants Sherlock to orgasm first. 

"Sherlock... I love you." These three words and to hear John say his name is enough to take Sherlock over the edge. He explodes in a wave of pleasure, shakes light a leaf underneath the weight of John. The feeling of Sherlock's cum and the thought of Sherlock getting such pleasure makes John come to, just a second later. Sherlock feels the throbbing inside him and the spurt of warm cum. He has never felt it before, and it's wonderful. 

"John..." he says with an out of breath-voice and moves one hand up to John's head while the other remains on his back. "Sherlock" John exhales, and the feeling of his hot breath against his skin makes Sherlock shiver and his cock makes one last twitch before beginning to soften. John slides out of him and cillapses next to with a groan. "That was..." he begins but doesn't find the words. "Awesome?" Sherlock suggests and looks at him with questioning eyes. John looks back, meets his blue watery eyes and flushed face. "Yeah" he says naturally with a nod and they grin at each other. 

Sherlock begins to freeze, he got so sweaty from the action. He creeps closer to John who places an arm around his body and the other strokes a strand of hair out of Sherlock's face. He smiles lovingly. "You know what?"

"No."

"Yes, you do. I love you."


End file.
